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David Crosby Will Rate Your Joint

“It’s a calling,” the musician said. “I was born to do it.”

Images in illustration by Paul Marotta/Getty Images, Shutterstock

When he’s not serving as Rolling Stone’s advice columnist or writing a song, David Crosby is usually on Twitter, communicating with fans and sharing his thoughts on music, politics, and the climate crisis. Lately, he’s been rating users’ joints, and with the coronavirus outbreak causing many to stay indoors under self-quarantine, it’s never seemed like a better idea for this folk-rock great to grade hand-rolled bundles of cannabis.

Croz began sharing his expertise at the beginning of the month, simply replying to author Jeffrey Guterman’s tweet of his smoky sunset plans with “Jeff … I need to show you how to roll a joint.” This opened the floodgates for every fan to reply “Grade this one!” or “How’s this, Croz?”

Crosby started to give some serious feedback, using criteria that include each joint’s consistency, girth, and endpoints. He told @kathyrams that her joint was “poor” and “looks like a snake who swallowed a bowling ball,” while panning @CerranosChicken’s as “crumbled and puny.” Our hearts go out to @HarryB1120, who was told his joints “Will certainly work but as lip art they basically suck.” Croz gave a glowing review to @stiflersmomsays, saying, “Nice work, I would smoke that.” Congratulations to @thepalemale, whose joint looks like “A party waiting to happen … beautiful even though it is the size of a small sex toy.”

Croz also debunked the myth that he could roll a joint with one hand, and mentioned that, while he currently uses a Pax 3 vaporizer, he’s rolled about 2,431,691 joints in his lifetime. He also admitted that he uses his iconic mustache as a strainer. “It’s a calling,” he said of his rating system. “I was born to do it.”

Other bored musicians have been driven to similar pursuits in this time of quarantine, including Stephen Malkmus, who posted an absurd ranking of the songs from Led Zeppelin IV, and Steven Van Zandt, who’s been on the hunt for new podcasts. 

For musicians like Crosby, who rely on the road for their income, the postponement and canceling of tours amid the crisis is a major setback. “The streaming doesn’t pay us any money,” he recently told GQ, fearful of the upcoming tour he’d slated for May. “So live is all we got. That’s it; that’s the only thing I get. And if I lose live, then I lose it all. I will lose my home, because I don’t have any savings.”

Many musicians have taken to social media to encourage fans to buy artists’ merchandise during this time. Others have been livestreaming performances, from Neil Young to Keith Urban to Death Cab for Cutie’s Ben Gibbard. There are also several other ways to support independent musicians, including donating to charities that provide direct aid to musicians, buying merch, and holding onto your postponed concert tickets.