For the duration of her years-long legal battle with Dr. Luke, Kesha lived in two separate realities cosplaying as one. In one, she was locked in litigation with the producer, born Lukasz Gottwald, who countersued her for defamation after her lawsuit alleging sexual, physical, and emotional abuse was dismissed largely on the grounds that they were too old. In the other, she was still handing over music to his label Kemosabe Records and performing songs that used her voice — which she had no legal rights to — for audiences full of fans and supporters.
During her appearance on Monica Lewinsky‘s podcast Reclaiming, which will air in full today, the musician candidly discusses the mental and emotional anguish this dichotomy created within her.
In an exclusive clip from the episode, Kesha says, “In my mind, it just felt like the biggest head fuck of all time.” At the time, Kemosabe Records controlled the promotion, budgets, release, and other factors pertaining to her catalog, which included her first five studio albums from 2010’s Animal through 2023’s Gag Order. “The recordings of my voice did not legally belong to me in the universe, in perpetuity,” she says. “The only way I get out of the deal is if I delivered the music, so it it got very weird.”
Kesha admits that the experience is still hard to wrap her head around. “Like, I’m doing the thing I love to do. I’m one of the best in the world at doing it. I have all these amazing fans, they want me to win. I’m doing it,” she says in the clip, “but it was just such a head fuck … It still perplexes me because it kind of makes no sense how the legal system could just watch this be happening and be like, ‘Oh yeah, that’s fine.’” She says she knew that her fans cared, but at times it was hard to believe that anyone else did.
“It felt inhumane. And then in the middle of it all, it’s like, well go onstage and smile and sing ‘TikTok,’” Kesha adds. “And I would, because I want my fans to have a beautiful place to connect with each other. But I was dying. I was truly dying inside. And it felt like — and I know it’s not true — but at the time it felt like nobody cares. And it was hard and it went a long time, which is all by design and I get that. My heart is probably gonna be ripping open for a very long time. It’s gonna be micro tears to ever get back to where I was.”
The singer is moving forward with a clean slate, even though her healing process is still taking shape. Last week, she released Period, stylized as the punctuation mark (.), her first album as an independent artist. For the first time since she was 18 years old, her voice belongs to no one but herself.
“Kesha’s taste for pop experimentation is in full flower on (Period.), her indie debut well-timed to the long-brewing mainstream break of the hedonistic, neon-hued, kitchen-sink genre known as hyperpop,” Rolling Stone wrote in a review of the record. “Bookended by pensive moments, (Period.) is a frisky pop record that delights in throwing things at the wall and seeing what sticks — while also getting a kick out of any mess that might result from a less-than-successful toss.”
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