…And on the sixth day, God created the animals of the land, including the livestock, those that crept upon the ground, and some wonky-looking wolves and chickens and bees that took upon themself an almost cube-like shape. Then He created humans in His own image, as well as some villagers with conspicuously phallic shaped noses, some walking skeletons, and, what the hell, a couple of zombies. And He looked upon the Earth, filled with hand-angled architecture and a ton of mines and some seriously 64-bit aesthetics, and lo, it was good.
Then, on the seventh day, the Lord — who’d originally earmarked this as a day of rest — went to Warner Bros. Pictures and, having somehow managed to secure a meeting with studio executives, declared that there would be a motion picture dedicated to his crowning achievement. The suits looked nervously at each other before piping up: “Yes, of course, God, so shall it be! We can probably get that one guy from Tenacious D to be in it. Not the bald one, the other guy. We’ll make sure he’s even more manic than usual. Also we believe the dude who played Aquaman is free. And we’ll ask the filmmaker who did Napoleon Dynamite to direct it.” This last part surprised and delighted God, who was a huge fan of the 2004 comedy and used to rock a “Vote Pedro” shirt back in the day.
Then the Lord, who knew that sometimes not even the most talented artisans in the land could turn a video-game I.P. into a watchable movie, asked: “This will be good, then?” And the studio executives replied, almost in unison, “So, it may be best to keep your expectations low, God.”
Say what you will about A Minecraft Movie: It certainly lives up to its, um, title. Technically, you can call this a movie (in the same way you can technically call this a review), and hundreds of people toiled day and night in order to recreate the look and feel of the mega-popular video game that makes those Lego-themed console titles seem sophisticated. That lo-fi style is part of what made Minecraft a global sensation, along with a customizable environment that turned a sandbox game into a DIY free-for-all. Don’t choose your own adventure, players. Build it brick by brick, block by block.
Short of rocking Clue-type multiple endings or giving individual audience members an open-source viewing option, there’s no way this — adaptation? variation? exploitation? — of Minecraft‘s name-brand recognition and aesthetic can properly duplicate the experience of hours of gameplay. So the creators do the next “best” thing (these scare quotes are doing a monumental amount of heavy lifting) by simply taking the raw material from hundreds of other hero’s-journey adventures, irony-soaked comedies, and fantasy narratives, and constructing a sort of loosey-goosey story out of those bits and pieces. The key word in the title is the article. It’s “a” Minecraft movie. There were tons of options they might have gone with, and for better or worse, this is the one you’re getting.
In the spirit of utmost professionalism, a few details: A creative young boy named Steve yearns to swing a pickaxe in his local mines. He’s given the Heisman by a crusty old coot guarding the entrance. The lad grows up to be Jack Black, who bum-rushes his way into the hole in the ground. One magical portal later, he finds himself in the “Overworld,” where he can skadoosh voxels to his heart’s delight. Unfortunately, an evil pig named Malgosha (voiced by the great Rachel House) traps Steve in “the Nethers” and tries to nab his prized possession, a.k.a. “the most powerful cube-shaped orb in the universe,” for herself. Luckily, Steve’s faithful wolf, Dennis, escapes with the talisman and tucks it away from her grasp. If you love breathless reams of exposition, you’ll be absolutely head over heels for the film’s first five minutes.
Meanwhile, back on Earth, Natalie (Emma Myers) and Henry (Sebastian Hansen), still mourning the tragic loss of their parents, travel to Chuglass, Idaho, for Natalie’s new job — she’s been hired to run the social media account of a potato-chip company best known for its creepy mascot, Chuggy. Also, their real estate broker, Dawn (Danielle Brooks), has an alpaca in her car because her side hustle is running a mobile zoo. This is probably the best point to mention that, although six writers are credited for the story and screenplay, Napoleon Dynamite director Jared Hess’ sensibility is truly the guiding light. Seriously, they should have just called the movie Napoleon Dyna-Mine. And that’s before you meet Garrett “The Garbage Man” Garrison, a former arcade-game champ still coasting off his 1980s glory days and delusions of grandeur. Maybe folks dreamed of Jason Momoa modeling dirtbag-chic couture, sporting a vintage Sunset Strip shaggy ‘do, and channeling his inner cheeseball. Wishes granted!
Courtesy of a few plot machinations that don’t matter enough to recount, that whole gang in the above-world find themselves in the Overworld, magical orb in tow, and they team up with Steve, and there are explosions and chases, and things kinda sorta happen. Black, his dial permanently stuck on 11, sings a song about lava chicken that can’t hold a candle to his Super Mario Bros ditty “Peaches.” Plus, one of those grunting villagers makes his way to Idaho and Jennifer Coolidge falls in love with him. There are Easter Eggs and inside jokes galore, and fans will finally see what Creepers — imagine walking dildos that explode — look like in CGI.
Regardless of whether you’ve ever played Minecraft or not, you’ll recognize the kind of endless ribbing, nudging, winking knowingness on display here; this is steeped in the self-aware absurdism of, say, those Old Spice commercials that aim to confuse and confound in the name of moving products off store shelves. A Minecraft Movie is essentially a 101-minute version of that. It, too, is pitching a product, and you either buy what it’s selling in the name of making bucks off of fandom and star power, or you don’t. Much like the game itself, the choice is yours. We just don’t want to be the one to inform God what his creations hath wrought with this expensively cheap, 100-percent corporate mess.
From Rolling Stone US
