Greetings, Republican friends. If you’re just tuning in, you’ve shown up right on time to meet your party’s general election candidate. He’s new to politics — this is the first time he’s run for elected office — but he threw himself into the primary with enthusiasm, familiarising himself on all the important issues, such as trade, immigration and health care.
Name: Donald John Trump
Age: 69
Height: 6’3″, according to himself (6’0.5″, according to CelebHeights.com)
Hometown: Queens, New York
Astrological sign: Gemini
Here’s a little more about Donald, in his own words.
On abortion
“There has to be some form of punishment [for women who seek abortion].”
On American soldiers in general, and John McCain in particular
“He’s not a war hero. He was a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren’t captured.”
On African-Americans
“Laziness is a trait in blacks.”
On climate change
“Any and all weather events are used by the GLOBAL WARMING HOAXSTERS to justify higher taxes to save our planet!”
On China
“We can’t continue to allow China to rape our country.”
On Jews
“I have black guys counting my money… I hate it. The only guys I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes all day.”
On guns
“I believe in [the Second Amendment right to bear arms] so strongly, and if you take the guns away from the good people… the bad ones are going to have target practice.”
On the Environmental Protection Agency
“What they do is a disgrace. Every week they come out with new regulations.”
On immigration
“I would build a great wall — and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me — and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border. And I will have Mexico pay for that wall.”
On integrating the military
“26,000 unreported sexual assaults in the military. Only 238 convictions. What did these geniuses expect when they put men & women together?”
On Ivanka Trump, his daughter
“She does have a very nice figure. If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
On Iran
“Iran continues to delay the nuclear deal while doing many bad things behind our backs. Time to WALK and double the sanctions. Stop payments!”
On Iraq, and whether the U.S. should have invaded it in 2001 (which he repeatedly voiced public support for at the time)
“I said, ‘Don’t hit Iraq,’ because you’re going to totally destabilize the Middle East. Iran is going to take over the Middle East, Iran and somebody else will get the oil, and it turned out that Iran is now taking over Iraq.”
On Iraq, and whether he would bomb it today
“The only way you’re going to beat them is that. You know why they’re rich? Because they have the oil.”
On Mexico
“They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.”
On Muslims, and when the U.S. can “get rid” of them
“We’re going to be looking at that and plenty of other things.”
Later: “[There should be] a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country’s representatives can figure out what is going on.”
On NATO
“NATO is obsolete and it’s extremely expensive for the United States, disproportionately so. And we should readjust NATO.”
On Japan
“When did we beat Japan at anything? They send their cars over by the millions, and what do we do? When was the last time you saw a Chevrolet in Tokyo? It doesn’t exist, folks. They beat us all the time.”
On Planned Parenthood
“It is like an abortion factory.”
On Saudi Arabia
“Saudi Arabia should be paying the United States many billions of dollars for our defense of them. Without us, gone!”
On Serge Kovaleski, a disabled New York Times reporter:
On terrorism
“I watched in Jersey City, New Jersey, where thousands and thousands of people were cheering as that building was coming down. Thousands of people were cheering.”
On torture
“Don’t tell me it doesn’t work. Torture works, OK, folks? … Believe me, it works.”
On women
“You have to treat ’em like shit.”
On vaccines
“Just the other day, a 2-year-old child went to have the vaccine, and got a fever, now is autistic. I’m in favor of vaccines, do them over a longer period of time, same amount. And I think you’re going to see a big impact on autism.”
On Vladmir Putin
“At least he’s a leader, you know, unlike what we have in this country.”
